Lions, And Tigers, And...Well, No Bears

Yesterday was a day of conflicting emotions for me. It was a great day and a terrible day. Mike, Mason, & I went to Fort Worth for Mason's KUB X-ray and then Dr. appt later in the day. We decided to leave Sam at daycare and do something fun all day with Mason, in between appointments. So, we took him to the Ft. Worth Zoo. He had so much fun. I think he was mostly in shock at first, because he was actually speechless for the first time in his little life. Mike and I really enjoyed it too. Seeing it through a child's eyes is so funny! I think as adults we forget all the wonders of little things. So, of course he compared all the animals to the animals from Madagascar and all the fish to the ones from Finding Nemo. We laughed at monkeys playing and knocking each other off of the tall ropes. He got to giggling pretty good watching those monkeys! The neatest thing was the caged-in bird place. You could go in there with these little popsicle sticks, that had honey and bird food on the end of them, and the birds would come right up to you. It scared him at first, but after a few minutes he was running with all the other kids trying to catch birds on his stick. He rode the carousel, which he said made him a real cowboy now, cause it was a horse he was riding. And then we rode the train that goes back through the zoo and the look on his face was priceless! He and his daddy had an ice cream cone. I think it was the first one he'd ever had. He just kept looking at Mike and me, like he couldn't believe he was getting to do all this stuff! I'm really glad we did that with him, it will be a memory that will always make me smile.

On the down side, we had to go to the dr. after the zoo. The x-ray they took yesterday was fine, but they are concerned about the continuing bouts of blood in the urine and the spot in his bladder that showed up on his ultrasound. So, they are scheduling another cystocopy on May 28th. (He just had one back in November.) They are also going to do a renal scan to look for any damage to the kidney and look for drainage problems. He will stay overnight at Cook's, so that his nephrologist can confer as well. The dr. said it is possible that he will have to have his ureter tube re-re-attached. This has already been done when he was a year old. So, needless to say, I'm worried. It's not fair. I will never understand why kids have to be sick. Sometimes I wonder if it was something I did that made him born that way, but I guess that is just my guilt at not being able to control or understand the situation. I just wish I could make it better for him. I hate that he is so familiar with ultrasounds that he jumps up on the bed, pulls his shirt up for the jelly, and asks what prize he gets when it's over. I hate that he knows he can't eat chips or drink too much milk cause he will pee blood. I hate that he has three wonderful doctors that he is so familiar with and their nurses that I am now on a first name basis with. I hate that he can pee perfectly in a cup and no 4 year old has any idea what he is talking about. I hate holding him down for blood work, catheters, and IV's. And most of all, I hate the unknown. I hate not knowing what is wrong with him and being able to fix it. I hate that my baby, though he looks healthy, is really sick.
But I love that wonderful, strong, beautiful little boy. And if I know anything for certain, I know he can get through this. I just wish he didn't have to.